2017-12-01

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #6, Social Harmony Edition

Confucius, proponent of social harmony
Precious Subscribers:

I am utterly confident that all subscribers will emphatically disregard the recent, slanderous rumors that Sam Soundar has a wildly successful musical career under the alter-ego of Adam Levine.  I had never heard of the man, but apparently he performs as part of the musical group known as "Adam Levine and the Maroon 5".

I was able to get in contact with Matt Flynn, drummer of "Adam Levine and the Maroon 5", and in response to these dastardly rumors, he said, "Oh, surely not.  I've never seen Sam Soundar and Adam Levine in the same room at the same time, but that's perfectly explained by Adam Levine always having to make some phone calls in private just before Sam visits us.  Besides, Adam's and Sam's mannerisms are quite different, despite their oddly similar stories of their childhoods."

I also talked to to Julius Thalberg, who happens to be the legal counsel of both Sam Soundar and Adam Levine.  He said, "Yes, my two clients are definitely two different people, rather than a dear friend engaging in a frenzied double-life to boldly pursue musical and engineering endeavors who employs me to safeguard his secret.  I just can't stress enough how they are definitely not the same person.  Why do you ask and what is your home address?"

See?  It's settled.  Case closed.  'Nuff said.  All testimony and coincidences are perfectly compatible with the fact that Sam Soundar and Adam Levine are merely two people with oddly intertwined lives.

Word of the biweek: proponent
Definition: one who supports something; an advocate

Example sentence: Although Senator Steve was a reliable proponent for bold, progressive ideas, he felt a bit uneasy as he read the provisions of the "Let's Genetically Engineer Some Wolf-Shark Hybrids And Shoot Them Into Space To Intimidate Those Dang Communists Act", mostly due to concerns about cost to the taxpayer.

Your suspiciously cheerful newsletterer,
Jacob

2017-11-14

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #5, Honest Mistake Edition

[Originally distributed via some emails on 2017-11-14]

Treasured Subscribers:

The sacred year of 2017 is rapidly drawing to a close, and all eyes are on Master Alchemist Sam Soundar to complete the Elixir of Power and vanquish The Great Sleeping Horror before it awakens, but everyone can do their part to help.  If you see any of the following ingredients, please inform Master Alchemist Sam Soundar with haste:
  • Beetleberries
  • Eggs of the Hungarian Murder Toad
  • Hatefruit
  • Seeds of the bile melon
  • Bloodroot
  • A sword that has slain a child
  • A feather that has tickled a great man

DO NOT EAT THESE THINGS!

Word of the biweek: mawworm
Meaning: a mealymouthed sanctimonious hypocrite

Example sentence: For several hours, Steve lectured his congregation about the evils of flavor, but he was exposed as a mawworm when a seam ripped and several bottles of vanilla extract and fennel seeds fell out of his jacket.

Your inscurtable newsletterer,
Jacob

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #4, Candy Coated Edition

[Originally distributed via email on 2017-05-26_1650]

Cherished Subscribers:

It’s been a very long biweek since the last biweekly newsletter, approximately 1093 days.  Mathematicians and astronomers are still unsure when the next biweek will occur.  Previous newsletters are attached, free of charge.

Since the last newsletter, we’ve been very busy.  For instance, we used to only offer SPLASH alerts, straight to your smart telephone (SPLASH = Sam’s Present Location Alert System Hotdog).   We’re proud to announce the Highly Salient Sam Soundar Sickliness Status System (HSSSSSS for short) to keep you informed about the health of Sam Soundar as well.  HSSSSSS consumes a large amount of computing power, but gosh, it’s just worth it.

For instance, RIGHT NOW, I’m logging into our advanced HSSSSSS Super-Smart Server Swarm (HSSSSSSSSSS for short) and it says that currently Sam is suffering from “Database Configuration Error, please consult system administrator”.  Sam, you have our prayers and best wishes.

Currently, HSSSSSS takes about twenty servers per person.  Once we get forty more servers, we’ll be able to analyze two more people and create the Highly Salient SamSoundar SamanthaSunny SarahSlavens Sickliness Status System Super-Smart Sixty Server Swarm (HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS for short).  The future is now!


Word of the biweek: yolo

Meaning: an acronym standing for “you oughta look out”, an expression showing a focus on prudence and caution; sometimes thought to derive from “you only live once”, referencing that your life is a scarce, precious resource, and must be vigilantly guarded.

Example sentence: Steve looked at his dear friends and said, “Guys, maybe we’re not yoloing hard enough.  Why not wear a helmet whenever we ride the bus?”.

Your relentless newsletterer and member of the HSSSSSS Society (HSSSSSSS for short),
Jacob

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #3, Bitter Resentment Edition

(bitter gourd)

From: Jacob Egner
Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2014 10:57 AM
To: [people]
Subject: Sam Soundar biweekly newsletter, 2014-05-28, bitter resentment edition

Precious Subscribers:

Hopes are high and people are a hair breadth’s away from fainting with the possibility that Sam Soundar will add a second wall marker set to his whiteboard.  His existing marker-holder sits at a hefty 6,165m in altitude, just 3m lower than Mount McKinley.

Where will the new marker-holder go?  Along the left at a respectable elbow height?  Boldly smack dab in the middle?  The stakes are very high, as the betting pool now sits at 43,000 Canadian dollars.  Get in on the action while you still can, and wager some big loonies!

Word of the biweek: collywobbles
Meaning: intense anxiety or nervousness, especially with stomach queasiness.

Example sentence: Steve had a severe bout of collywobbles when he was told he had to eat every spider web in his apartment in order to save the hostages.

Remember to sign up for free SPLASH alerts, straight to your smart telephone.

Your discombobulating newsletterer,
Jacob

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #2, Nautical Edition

Original Text of Newsletter Email


From: Jacob Egner
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2014, 11:05 AM
To: Sam Soundar Biweekley Newsletter Distribution List, sponsored by Pepsi and Big Lasers Incorporated
Subject: Sam Soundar biweekly newsletter, 2014-04-22, nautical edition

Precious Subscribers:

Reliable sources report that Sam Soundar is in good health, with all mysterious rashes now gone.  There are no indications of haircuts or court appearances in the near future, but we will keep you posted.

Word of the day: ubiquitous
Meaning: seemingly being everywhere, especially at the same time

Example sentence 1: Steve seriously considered a restraining order against his ubiquitous stalker, Hillary Clinton.

Example sentence 2: Steve knew he would have to be extra careful with his level of alcohol consumption; chlamydia was ubiquitous on this Pacific island.

Remember to sign up for free SPLASH alerts, straight to your smart telephone!

--Jacob

Editor's Addendum

The emails distributing this newsletter originally claimed an authorship date of 2014-04-22, but actually the authorship date was 2014-05-07.  Jacob just wanted to send out a second biweekly newsletter and did not want to wait an entire biweek after the first one, so Jacob fabricated a newsletter from the previous biweek.  Therefore the self-reported order of Sam Soundar biweekly newsletters is not the actual chronological order.

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #1, Spring Cleaning Edition

Reading Note


The following section contains the email chain surrounding issue #1 of the SSBN.  The emails are ordered oldest first, so you can just start at the top and read all the way to the bottom.

Email Chain


From: Jacob Egner
Sent: 2014-05-06 Tuesday, 11:09
Subject: Sam Soundar biweekly newsletter, 2014-05-06, spring cleaning edition

Beloved Subscribers:

Sam Soundar is currently in training, and will be all week.

Word of the day: indigent
Meaning: suffering from extreme poverty. 
Example sentence: Steve’s eyes grew wide as he saw the indigent woman wiggle free several teeth from her gums.

Remember to sign up for free SPLASH alerts, straight to your smart telephone!

--Jacob

Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter (SSBN), Index and Explanation

Index of SSBN Materials


  • Issue 1, 2014-05-06, Spring Cleaning Edition
  • Issue 2, 2014-05-07, Nautical Edition
  • Issue 3, 2014-05-28, Bitter Resentment Edition
  • Issue 4, 2017-05-26, Candy Coated Edition
  • Issue 5, 2017-11-14, Honest Mistake Edition
  • Issue 6, 2017-12-01, Social Harmony Edition

Explanation


Explanation, SSBN's Genesis

Many moons ago, Sam Soundar had a cubicle assigned to him in the upstairs hallway that connected building B and building C.  People would often come by, looking for Sam Soundar, and they couldn't see into his cubicle from the hallway, so as they stepped around to get a look, they would frequently say something like, "Hey guys, is Sam here--oh, nope, okay, maybe he's in the lab" as they found out he wasn't there.

He was never there.

Well, sometimes he was, which gave the seekers-of-Sam hope.  The seeking of Sam became routine enough that Sam's cubicle neighbors and I began joking that we need some sort of traffic light or alert system so people would know if Sam was at his cubicle or not.

And then one week, Sam Soundar was out for training for the week, so I sent out an email to that effect on 2014-05-06, but to make it joke-ish, I framed the email as part of a Sam Soundar biweekly newsletter (SSBN).  I enjoyed writing it, and I enjoyed other people's enjoyment of the email, so I wrote a few more issues and emailed them out.

Explanation, SSBN's Essence

SSBN is an attempt at writing some zany things to amuse coworkers.  Sam Soundar is a recurring character, and sometimes things stated in the SSBN will be loosely inspired by real events, but you might as well treat it as all completely made up.  For example, if a SSBN issue talks about Sam Soundar's daring mohawk haircut, maybe that was written because Sam Soundar recently got a haircut. Also, real coworkers have on occasion replied to the SSBN emails, and the resulting discussion is now considered part of the SSBN.

And Now SSBN Lives On This Blog?

I used to send people old issues of the SSBN via email with attached Outlook .msg files.  I think things will work much better if I convert to a blog-based approach and link people to this index-and-explanation page.  So, let's try that out for a while.