Sam Soundar Biweekly Newsletter #3, Bitter Resentment Edition

bitter gourd

From: Jacob Egner
Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2014 10:57 AM
To: [people]
Subject: Sam Soundar biweekly newsletter, 2014-05-28, bitter resentment edition

Precious Subscribers:

Hopes are high and people are a hair breadth’s away from fainting with the possibility that Sam Soundar will add a second wall marker set to his whiteboard.  His existing marker-holder sits at a hefty 6,165m in altitude, just 3m lower than Mount McKinley.

Where will the new marker-holder go?  Along the left at a respectable elbow height?  Boldly smack dab in the middle?  The stakes are very high, as the betting pool now sits at 43,000 Canadian dollars.  Get in on the action while you still can, and wager some big loonies!

Word of the biweek: collywobbles
Meaning: intense anxiety or nervousness, especially with stomach queasiness.

Example sentence: Steve had a severe bout of collywobbles when he was told he had to eat every spider web in his apartment in order to save the hostages.

Remember to sign up for free SPLASH alerts, straight to your smart telephone.

Your discombobulating newsletterer,
Jacob

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From: Sarah Widger
Sent: 2014-06-03 Tuesday 08:24
To: Jacob Egner

Jacob,

What exactly are the SPLASH alerts?

-Sarah

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Dearest Sarah:

That is the most excellent question I have heard all day!

SPLASH stands for Sam’s Present Location Alert System Hotdog.  Here’s the step-by-step of how “SPLASH alerts, straight to your smart telephone” work:

• At some point, Sam’s present location becomes particularly noteworthy (ex: training classroom, Alcatraz, the Vatican, his favorite couch, etc)
• Jacob decides the world needs to know.
• Jacob sends an email to his esteemed subscribers with a message like, “[SPLASH alert] Sam is currently at the dojo; please send yourself a text message to your smart telephone informing yourself of this fact”.
• Jacob’s diligent subscribers promptly send text messages to themselves.  Please try to keep the number of text messages to no more than three.
• Jacob’s magnificent subscribers are delighted to receive the SPLASH alert (straight to their smart telephones!), all thanks to the Smart Telephone User-Preferred Information Distribution (STUPID) system, patent pending.

I hope this adequately communicates exactly what SPLASH alerts are.

 --Jacob